Please no judging of my post as it is hard to come clean to my family and friends but I really need to. I am writing today to talk about a very deep dark subject. I had surgery for Gastric Bypass two years ago. Around December of 2013 I found ALCOHOL. I had my times of drinking in the past but this has become a serious problem since December 2013. I am going to tell you some things that are dear and personal to me but I think it needs to be talked about.
My husband's mother passed away and then a few months later my grandmother passed away. This is how it began. We went to a soup kitchen near our house and decided to sit at the pool hall/bar next door to the soup kitchen to eat our soup. We decided to order a long island. Boy was that a yummy drink. Before this my husband and I never really drank together before. I mean on our honeymoon we had a drink or two, but we never got drunk. That one long island that day led to another and another. Then we kept going back because we really liked the people and the bartenders there. Then we discovered we could buy alcohol and drink at home. We learned how to make "bombs." Bombs are two shots of soda or juice or crystal light and one shot of alcohol. A few of those and we were having a good time. A few more and I would black out and not remember the next day what happened. I have my fair share of bruises from falling down because I was so drunk. I would take baths and drink while bathing and when getting out of the bath I would fall. I fell in to the glass door of our office and broke one of the window panes with my shoulder. Hubby had to pick glass out of it and clean it up for me. I fell out of bed one time and fell on to my laptop and broke it. I ended up with a huge bruise that didn't go away for weeks. I still have a scar from that bruise. We named him Frank.
I can't tell you how many arguments my husband and I have gotten in to. Normally when we are not drinking our communication is on point and we have a really good marriage, not perfect, but then again no one is perfect that is why we are here on earth. When I drink I don't know when to stop drinking and I don't know when to shut up. I keep arguing and keep fighting.
In January 2015 my mother passed away. This triggered something inside me that I couldn't get a grip on. I drank day in and day out. I didn't know how to stop drinking. It was the only way to deal with the pain I was going through. I went to her funeral hung over. I went to the bar an hour after she passed away. I went to the hospital when she was dying hung over. I was off work for nearly 3 weeks after she passed and I think I was drunk almost the whole time. I couldn't cope with losing my best friend, my mom, my world. After I went back to work drinking was only happening on my weekends, which happen to be Monday and Tuesday. I would also drink on my Friday which was actually Sunday. Sometimes I would find myself drinking on Friday and Saturday as well.
A while back something horrible happened that I won't discuss but just know that it was HORRIBLE. And I thought I would have learned my lesson, but nope. I started drinking again. I know I need to get help. I know I need anger management help as well as alcoholism help. I keep telling myself that if I only drink three or so days out of the seven days of a week then it is not that bad. What makes it bad is when I argue and fight with my husband, when I drink so much I black out and don't remember what happened, when I can't even find the strength to crawl up the stairs to go to bed so I either pass out on the kitchen floor or on the couch. I try to tell myself that had I not had the surgery the amount I drink wouldn't have this much affect on me. Part of that is true, but I also know had I not had the surgery I would drink even more than I do now.
So here I am today to let you know I went to inpatient alcohol treatment on October 7. I was supposed to be there 28 days but my insurance only covered 2 weeks inpatient and then wanted me to do two weeks of intensive outpatient treatment and therapy. So I came home yesterday and have an appt today about the outpatient treatment. My husband and I will be going to AA meetings together and he went each day I was I treatment.
This is real life and I am aware enough to get the treatment I need and become the person I know I can be. If you have had weight loss surgery please be aware of transfer addictions. If you need some groups to belong to I can point you in the right direction.
