Feelings

Yesterday I went and spoiled myself and got my hair done. It felt good to be pampered a little. I am totally in love with the way my hair looks now. Sassy and cute!

When I got home I had a little bit of a meltdown, but a good meltdown. I realized that I am starting to look pretty and my face is getting thin. I took a few photos of myself to show my mom my new hair and I fell in love with myself all over again. I realized how for the past I don't know how many years I have not had confidence in myself, I didn't love myself. I hid behind the fat. I thought I was confident but I wasn't. I thought I was cute, but in reality I didn't believe it. 

I took so many photos of myself last night! I cried because I felt so pretty and I felt confident in who I am. This made me realize that in my professional life I may be able to go further because I believe in myself and I am not trying to hide behind my fat. That means worlds to me. 

This surgery has certainly saved my life. I am forever indebted to my surgeon for giving me this second chance at life!

This morning I was putting some clothes on to go out and get something. Charlie said that I was looking good and you could really see the weight loss from the side. He said that I would end up leaving him because I was pretty and becoming thin. I asked him why he would say a thing like that. He said that I would want to move on once I lost my weight. I told him that at some point he is going to be thin, but he is already handsome to me so there is no reason I would leave. I asked if he was serious and he said half and half. This made me sad!

I asked a lady who has had the surgery with her husband if they ever had these feelings. What she said made me cry because it was so beautiful. Here is what she said:
 " We have only joked around! My husband and I both love The Lord and our marriage is a fun, exciting, blessed, and worked-at marriage! We have our faults and have worked through so many! I know that there are much more beautiful women out there than I but this experience has been a shared one and no one can take that from us! I put my hope in Jesus and I pray for our marriage! So, yes as a woman I have often thought what if he leaves because he feels so good about himself that he feels he can do better---but I thought that when I was fatter too---it's just the chick in us! Know this---you have to be his biggest fan! You have to tell him everyday how proud you are of him and how handsome he is---he has to hear it! I would spend all of the energy that you could be worrying on praising him! It's hard to imagine life without him but I have learned one thing and that is---we both deserve the best and to be loved, ADORED, and treated well! I know you may feel sad today but it will pass! He is just feeling jealous because you are getting prettier everyday and knows that heads are turning and will continue to! That's when you reach over in public and SMOOCH HIS FACE OFF! Lol I am so excited for you two! It's gonna be a great life! Enjoy it together! Also, read the book The Emotional First Aid Kit it has a section on this very thing! Love ya girl!"

This lady is such an inspiration. Her and her husband have a solid marriage. They may have their struggles but they put their faith in the Lord and through him all things are possible!

Updates

I am so excited this morning, for a lot of reasons. First is that I am down to 276. I had been at a stall of 278 for about 3 or 4 days and I didn't think the scale would be moving any time soon. I had hit the dreaded 3 week stall. Thank goodness it only lasted those few days. With being at 276 that means I am only 1 pound away from a first goal of mine.

One of my first goals in losing weight was to get to 275 so I could go on the zip line and ropes course at the Point Defiance Zoo here in Tacoma. While I was at the zoo the last time on June 20, 2013 I saw that the weight limit was 275. I was bummed because I was at 290 something. I didn't think I would be able to lose nearly 25 pounds in order to get to 275. Well here I am!!!!

I have been walking on the treadmill everyday for the past 5 days or so.  I have only been walking for 15 minutes, but that gives me a half mile each day. I think next week I will bump it up to 30 minutes each day. I have been getting up in the morning and getting on the treadmill before I do anything that day. I find that it's easier to get it done and over with then I can do what I want during the day. 

I start back to work next week. I have been off work for 3 1/2 weeks now. On one hand I feel ready to go back because I am bored out of my mind. On the other hand I am nervous to go back because of a lot of reasons. I don't want to get sick from eating something new during the day and have to go home. To prevent this I am going to only be eating things I know I don't have a problem with so I won't get sick during the day. Another thing I am nervous about is that people are going to look at me like I haven't lost enough in these 3 weeks. I mean I really shouldn't care what they think, but deep down inside I think I do care just a little bit! I'm also nervous about people scrutinizing everything I eat or do. I am a grown woman and I know what I can and can't eat. I know how much I can eat and I know what I need to be doing to lose weight. 

I had a bittersweet moment the other day. I started getting all my clothes ready to go back to work next week so I was trying them on. Some of the clothes that I bought back in December are not fitting anymore. I swim in them. I had some beautiful tops that now I can't wear because they look like a sack on me. My wonderful work pants that I love, that used to fit just right, are now loose and I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I say this moment was bittersweet because I was happy I was losing clothing sizes but sad because I don't have a lot of clothes to fit me in this transition period. I was laughing and crying and my husband was really confused. Another reason I was sad was because my "wall of fat" is dwindling away and I can no longer hide behind that. I now have to be the woman that I know I can be and have the confidence to stand up without that wall holding me up. 

Yesterday I had a pretty bad dumping episode. I just wanted to die! But it passed and I am doing better now. While I was in my episode I told my husband that I would shoot the person who says this is the easy way out. By no means is this easy. Do you think your heart racing, head spinning, butt exploding, stomach turning is an easy way to be? Do you think having to watch every little thing going in to you and reading every single label for your food is an easy thing to do? Do you think being cut open and having your plumbing rerouted is an easy thing to do? Do you think all the tears, heartache, pain, sorrow, etc is an easy thing to go through? I say no, none of this easy. By all means, there is worse a person can go through, but this has been a hard road. I came across a really great article written by a bariatric surgeon. Here it is:  Surgery Is Not The Easy Way Out

More Measurements

I am 21 days postop. I decided to take my measurements today. The last time I took measurements was July 7, 2013. That is 11 days ago!

Right Arm: 14"   (I have lost 3")
Left Arm: 14"     (I have lost 4")

Right Leg: 29"         (I have lost 2")
Left Leg: 28 1/2"           (I have lost 3 1/2")

Right Calf: 18"         (I have lost 1")
Left Calf: 17 1/2"     (I have lost 1")

Chest: 53 1/2"         (I have lost 5 1/2")
Waist: 51 1/2"              (I have lost 2")

Current Weight: 278lbs   (I have lost 33lbs since highest weight)
Current Height: 5'5"
Current Size: 22-24 

Clothing

As you lose weight, your clothes will begin to sag. You will need to get rid of your old clothes and get new clothes. You don't want to buy brand new clothes when you are in between sizes and going down rapidly. Here is a list of groups on facebook that you can join and buy or sell your clothes!!!

Curvy Closet 

Clothing Swap for WLS 

Plus Size  

WLS Yard Sale 

For Fats Sake 

Yard Sale Weight Loss 

Fat Too 
 

New Measurements

I am 11 days postop. I decided to take my measurements today. The last time I took measurements was June 1, 2013. That is 39 days ago!

Right Arm: 14 3/4"   (I have lost 2 1/4")
Left Arm: 15 1/4"     (I have lost 2 3/4")

Right Leg: 28"         (I have lost 3")
Left Leg: 28"           (I have lost 4")

Right Calf: 19"         (I didn't measure the last time)
Left Calf: 18 1/2"     (I didn't measure the last time)

Chest: 55 1/2"         (I have lost 3 1/2")
Waist: 53"              (I have lost 1/2")

Current Weight: 282lbs   (I have lost 24lbs)
Current Height: 5'5"
Current Size: 24-26 

Servings, Labels, and More

So far today I have had refried beans with some carne asada pureed in it. There was some cheese in it as well. I have had 4 ounces of a protein shake. I have had a stick of mozarella cheese. With all of that I have only consumed 20 grams of protein. The amount I am supposed to have in a day is 60 to 80 grams of protein. 

If I have another serving of the refried beans and a mozarella stick for dinner that is another 20 grams of protein. That would total 40 grams. I would need to find another 20 grams somewhere that I can have for snacks. 

On top of the 60 to 80 grams of protein, I need to drink at least 48 ounces of water. Ever since surgery I haven't really been able to tolerate the crystal light flavors I liked before surgery. When we went to the store I got some propel black cherry. I am hoping this will be something I like. I still really like the watered down apple juice. 

When we went to the store I tried to get some yogurt. I looked at the labels of them and a lot of them had too much sugar. Some had 19 grams, some had 10. We are supposed to have under 5 grams of sugar. I guess the one that had 10 would be ok because it was a 4 ounce cup and if you divide that in half it's 2 ounces and would have 5 grams of sugar. I went with the Dannon Light and Fit Carb and Sugar Control Yogurt. As you can see by the nutrition label it has 5 grams of protein and only 2 grams of sugar!!! I got the vanilla kind.

 It is certainly weird how after surgery you have to focus on food so much more than before. After surgery you have to read the labels and make sure to only get a certain amount of sugar, and make sure you get some protein. I don't want to be eating something just to eat it and it not have any protein. My goals is to have 5 grams or more of protein in what I eat.

1 Week Post Op

I went and saw my surgeon today. Tomorrow will be 1 week since surgery. It was a good visit with him. I have lost 5 pounds since surgery and 23 since May 31, which was my last office visit before surgery. While I feel like my progress is slow, at least it is some progress.

We talked with the surgeon about the nausea I am having. He said that is normal and to keep taking the Zofran when I feel that way. He said it should subside after a while. We asked him if the emotions I was having are normal and he said yes. He said a lot of people go through a range of emotions through this journey. 

The surgeon told me I could progress to puree foods. He said to experiment with them as I want and that if something doesn't sit well then move on to something else. He said it is a trial and error of how much you can eat and what you can eat. I am so thankful I have 4 weeks off instead of 2 so I can try to get things settled and figure out what works and what doesn't so I am not missing a lot of work when I do go back.

He said he would see me in 3 months for my next follow up. So now it is me and my tool and I have to figure out how to use it and not abuse it. He said he does lab work at the year mark unless there are problems that come up in the meantime. 

I spent a lot of time yesterday on Pinterest looking up gastric bypass friendly recipes. I came across so many. I found a recipe for something like a peanut butter cup but was packed full of protein, was sugar free, and looked amazing. I am going to have to try that sometime. Today and I am going to try some refried beans with cheese and some carne asada, all pureed of course! Charlie even came up with the best idea for a puree dish. He said we could get Pho for me and I can puree the noodles and veggies and chicken and put it back in to the broth and drink it. That made me smile. He knows how much I love Pho! And it is such a comfort food.

If you want to follow me on Pinterest here is the link: 
Amie's Pinterest 

Mama Said by The Shirelles

I'm sure of you are wondering what the title of this post has to do with my journey. Well this morning I woke up with quite a bit of nausea. I was crying for no reason, to point of almost balling. The first thing that popped in to my mind was the song "Mama Said" by The Shirelles. Mama Said there'd be days like this. It's so true. 

I am only 4 days post-op, but feel like it has been a lifetime. I feel like I should be feeling 100% better by now, even though that really isn't feasible. I guess in my mind sometimes I think that people think I should be up and walking miles upon miles and drinking 80 plus ounces of water a day. But in reality, I should be up walking every 3 hours and trying to get in 48 ounces of fluid each day. What my head thinks people think and what is reality are not on the same page today.

I need to give myself a break and quit being so hard on myself. I am only 4 days after surgery so I need to give myself time to heal and feel the emotions I feel. It's strange, but food hasn't been a big deal to me these past 4 days. I saw one food commercial last night that I screamed F*** you to the tv, but that's it. I haven't been hungry really. Yesterday I really wanted a protein shake from the vitamin store but I didn't get one because my husband and I have conflicting times of when I can start adding in the protein shakes. I might call the doctor today and find out if I can start adding them in.

The dogs have been amazing while I have been home. I am really surprised. They have not tried to jump on me. While laying on the couch they lay on the floor  next to the couch instead of trying to lay on my lap. It's like they know mom is not feeling well so they just stay by my side and watch over me.

 I finally took the tegaderm off the incisions today. They don't look too bad at all. I think it's funny that they had to number them 1 to 5 when in the operating room. There are two of the same photos somehow on this little collage. The top left and bottom right are the same. Lol.