Hard Times

It's interesting having my husband go through this with me. I have mixed emotions about it. Usually, before this 2 week liquid diet, if I wanted something and he didn't I wouldn't get it. For instance if I wanted to go out to eat somewhere and he didn't, then we wouldn't go out to eat. Well now that I am on this liquid diet I have really wanted to splurge, but I know I can't. Today I went through the Starbucks drive through. I ordered a Passion Tea Lemonade with Splenda. The Lemonade has sugar in it, but not the other part. He was upset at me that I went and splurged like that. So instead of drinking the drink, when we went in the pet store I gave it to another customer there in the store. While yes I did splurge, I at least didn't end up drinking it. So I feel like I had a small victory on my part.

It started an upset with me. The way he said things made me feel like I was a failure because I decided to splurge on something. He tried to help me understand that it was the reason I was splurging that was bad. He was trying to help me understand that I need to not revolve my decisions around food. It certainly is very hard going from my life revolving around food to all of a sudden I have to change that thinking and now life can't revolve around food. But from now on it will always revolve around food, just in a different way. Before it used to be when I was happy, sad, mad or just blah I would eat. I always found a reason to eat. Now, my life revolves around food in that I have to watch what I eat and the amount I eat.

No matter how much you think you can get away from the food, it is always there. When my husband went to the surgeon's office the other day for his last appointment before surgery, the surgeon told him that he would be on a liquid diet for 2 weeks but that if he decided to have a small meal then that would be ok. When my husband told me this I was shocked. I had been under the assumption it was only liquids, sugar free at that, for the 2 weeks. I started thinking of all the things I would be able to eat for a small meal if I wanted to. But then I realized that eating a small meal would mean failure on my part.

I am so afraid of failing. I am so afraid that what I am doing isn't going to work for me because of all the strong emotions I have. I almost feel like I need to see my counselor again. I stopped seeing her about a year ago because I was feeling better. Now with this surgery coming up a lot of emotions are being brought to the surface. How am I supposed to go from eating normally to all of a sudden having to change the way I think and eat?

For me the weekends are the hardest. When I am at work during the week I don't really have a problem with only having liquids. For a long time I have been having shakes for breakfast and lunch and drinking about 75oz of water a day. It's on the weekends when I have nothing to occupy my time that are hard.

Well I only have a week and a half to go. Only one more weekend to endure. I am certainly looking forward to my massage, manicure and pedicure 2 days before my surgery!!